Before giving birth to my daughter I knew I wanted to breastfeed, but had heard that it wasn't always smooth sailing for everyone. I was very nervous about what to expect. My birthing experience didn't go as planned which also made the beginning of breastfeeding different than I had expected. After having a C-section and being in labor for a long time, the first time I began nursing my daughter I was completely exhausted and in pretty much pain. But she was able to latch on and thus began our breastfeeding experience. My milk did not come in very quickly ( I have attributed it to the C-section) so the days we spent in the hospital were quite difficult. I found the hardest part to be finding a comfortable position to sit in and hold her to nurse that wasn't painful. She also wanted to nurse a lot because she wasn't getting much milk from me and I really didn't want to supplement with formula.
When were finally able to go home my experience completely changed. My milk finally came in and I thankfully did not have a whole lot of nipple soreness or pain. I loved the bonding time that I had with my daughter. I did pump breastmilk and give her a bottle on rare occasions, but found that she would not take a bottle very well. So for the past 21 months I have pretty much nursed her to sleep just about everynight. I can only think of 2 occasions that I didn't nurse her to sleep. And although there were times I wished my husband or family could help me out at bedtime, looking back I am so incredibly thankful for those nights with my babygirl. And although we had a great breastfeeding experience, there were some trying times in there and it wasn't all smooth sailing.
Last week my daughter caught some sort of stomach bug and could not keep anything down for about 2 days. She had been sick like that before and the only thing she could keep down was breastmilk, so I thought nursing her before bedtime might help her feel better and get some sleep. After she downed some milk I found out I was very wrong. She could not keep the milk down either. So for two days I didn't nurse her at all because she was so sick. As many parents probably know, these lovely illnesses usually get passed around the family and of course I came down with the same thing the next day. So my husband took over for me to help out. Before I knew it we had gone about 4 days without nursing. At that point I realized, she could very easily go to sleep without nursing and she no longer asked for milk at night before bed. There was one or two occasions when she asked for milk when she was upset about something, but not knowing how her stomach was feeling I told her there wasn't any milk left right now. After the 4 days I sat down with my husband and asked him if he thought this might be a good time to stop nursing. Although I had planned on nursing much longer, it just seemed to happen kind of naturally (with a few exceptions). We both decided to see how the next few days went and see if she asked for milk or not.
By the end of a week without nursing things seemed to be going well and she had only asked for milk once. However, at that point it began to hit me that we were really stopping. I began questioning the decision and if I had done it the right way. ( I tend to question everything way more than I should). So tonight before bed I decided to ask her if she wanted milk. She surprisingly only said "Rock you" so that I would rock her after storytime. But I decided to show her my breast to see what she would do and see if she wanted it. She took it and began sucking for a brief second, but then began BITING! I thought maybe she was doing it because there wasn't anything coming out, so I had her try the other side. She sucked for maybe 5 seconds and then sat up and said "No, Rock you". It seemed as though she had already after only a week forgotten how to nurse!!! I then came to the conclusion that breastfeeding was over for us and sooo many emotions came with that. I continued to rock her and hold her close (and maybe shed a tear or two) until she asked to lay in her crib.
As this just happened tonight, I am still working through those emotions happy and sad. But I am glad that the end was peaceful for us, it wasn't stressful and I was able to share such important nutrients as well as such important bonding with her for 21 months. I hope to continue sharing the bonding with her through skin to skin contact throughout the next few months as I feel it is so important and beneficial for her.
